BREAST CANCER/PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: CONCERNS OF HUSBANDS

Some husbands have told us they were surprised that from the very beginning they felt they were unimportant to the doctors and other caregivers trying to help their wives. Some of them had a difficult time getting used to the fact that for the duration of their wives’ treatment, the doctors attending their wives, as well as the entire hospital staff, were focused completely on their wives’ well-being and did not ever acknowledge the husbands’ needs. This is, of course, uncomfortable and unfortunate. Full attention and support is often focused on the patient, and to some extent, this is completely appropriate. Husbands/partners may need to look elsewhere to find support for themselves. It is not really reasonable at this time to lean on your wife. She needs to lean on you. Husbands/partners need to talk with their own family (perhaps siblings or parents) and friends.

Husbands/partners often experience a total sense of loss of control from the first minute of the diagnosis. Events unfurl extremely fast. Appointments are often made for tests and for surgeries without any attempt to consult with them in any meaningful way. This, too, is less than ideal, but the realities of busy hospitals are that appointments are made without much consideration of anyone’s schedule. The emphasis is on getting the patient what he/she needs as quickly as possible. In most cases, the husbands had confidence in the doctors helping their wives, and they trusted the doctors’ judgment and were content to stay in the shadows. However, some husbands want to emphasize the point that if you or your partner feel that something is wrong with the way the diagnosis is being made or the treatment is being planned, you must reassert some measure of control and press the doctors for further explanations. In the rare case that you feel something is very wrong, you must discuss your feelings with your husband and get a second opinion. You both must feel comfortable with the physicians you ultimately choose. Remember, however, that you are the patient. If you don’t have confidence in the doctor, find another one that you trust. Don’t allow yourselves to be stampeded by the medical establishment.

In all likelihood, some member of your family will have an especially hard time coming to grips with your illness. It may be one of your children or it may be your mother or father. A partner can provide immeasurable help by spending time with this child or with whoever most needs extra attention.

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